Binging to Avoid Emotion

After about 2 hours of what I tried convincing myself would be my last binge (again) I came up from my 2nd bowl of granola for air. It’s been awhile since I’ve taken part in this section of my disease and my ego attempts to reason with my intellect by pointing out that it’s a healthier binge than the ones in prior years. “The granola is homemade with natural sweetener and the whole milk is organic…” I defend.  The fact that it followed a lineup of gluten free enchiladas, raw butternut squash, green beans (enter hummus), melted muenster with deli pepperoni, and butternut squash soup with hardly a moment to connect or be mindful about what was taking place is an argument that ego aggressively tries to dominate.  The truth is,  it’s purpose is still to avoid no matter what the food of choice is.  The reason for why the binge is happening is something I try to ignore by putting more into my mouth.  It deafens the fear of facing what lies beneath the behavior and I’m not sure that I am ready to face what I might discover.  It’s easier to stuff.  I decide anyway, despite the persuasion of my ego, to peak out onto the  ledge.  Although I have a bit of food intoxication, I think I am sober enough to keep my eyes open when I look.  I am in a tug of war though because my intention to explore keeps getting interrupted with fistfuls of more of anything edible.  I have recently returned from an AA meeting where I felt the freedom to feel my sadness and joy.  I shared this with my sponsor and felt relief at the progress I am seeing to not judge what is present though rather to embrace and experience the gratitude of it all.  Even with that connection, I walked into the binge anyway.  I guess there is more that needs to be acknowledged.  I have been experiencing sadness and grief.  I have had a lot of loss in these past 2 years.  Sometimes I am confused about which of my losses I am grieving.  The death of my mom? Step dad? Business partner who traded off as my mom?  My ugly, ugly divorce.  My core family life?  The changed relationship between my siblings and my father and myself? The abandonment of my best friend(s)?  Or perhaps it’s a combination of all of these things.  Often when I think of one the others seem to fight for my grief, like children competing for the attention of their parent.  When I put it out there, I understand why I want to eat myself into oblivion rather than take on what I’m afraid might be demons.  It looks overwhelming to me and I want to survive.  Numbing, as I recall has always been my go-to for survival.  Binging numbs.  I know the healthier action is to stare it down courageously and trust that this part of my journey is necessary to heal.  I’m scared.  It is uncharted territory.  I’ve never faced one of these turbulence before, let alone all of them at the same time.  My gut finally offers a solution and I hear it boast “STEP AWAY FROM THE KITCHEN”. I feel relief as I chuckle and obey.  It’s a better suggestion then the will from a few minutes ago that taunts “pumpkin pie, paleo chocolate chip cookies, popcorn (Kerry gold butter! butter! butter!) nuts, chocolate, whipped cream.” I take my honey laced tea and retreat to the bedroom with a few pages of eating plan ideas that I had printed out earlier in the day.  After a binge, when I have fooled myself into believing that I have satisfied my soul, it is easy for me to imagine accomplishing a future of healthy eating and no binging.  I am a bit leary however, because experience tells me that the high is still there and that when I come down it’s a more difficult promise to keep. More importantly, I know it is not the diet that will cure the old patterns of behavior. While eating healthy and in proportion definitely helps the inner morale, it never  addresses the true emotional issue.  Allowing and accepting the emotions that are present as a result of whatever events may be occurring is the path to a healthier being.  Stuffing those emotions and then talking myself into the belief that if I just eat healthy and in control I will be whole and well is a desperate delusion to mend.  The truth does not come from the action as much as it comes from the connection to the emotion.  The emotion is drawn from the soul.  The inner being (child) is starving for acceptance and recognition and no amount of binging or refraining from binging will fill that hunger.  Cradling and being gentle with the uncomfortable feeling and making it feel welcome, as though it belongs, is a much healthier and more permanent practice. And though I am still motivated to pack in two-a-day workouts and an eating plan that feels right to my physical well being, it is important to practice the emotional exercise that lies at the root of it all in order to feel whole again.