Doubt and a Big Orange Ball

I went to “shoot some hoops” with my son on a beautiful weekend afternoon.  In general, I would consider myself a decent athlete though not if I gauge it by the way I play basketball.  I am just not good at it and therefore I feel a little threatened.  I have always felt a disconnect when I stepped onto the court and I wonder why I cannot get beyond the mental pressure I put on myself when I take the shot and the ball teases me for a bit, toys with the rim and timbers away from the net as I clench and hold my breath first in anticipation and then in disappointment.  My experience today tells a lot.  I want to discover what that means.  Not in the sense that I have to be a pro at the game.  Deeper.  More along the lines of why do I possess such a lack of confidence before taking and after unsuccessfully making a shot? I invite the missed shots I am experiencing to teach. Because I miss often, this translates to many lessons. To do this I have to humble myself, observe and listen, not necessarily in that order.  The thought that I am not able to contribute to a positive outcome screams “failure” to me.  Each time I wait with hope, though suspiciously with an underlying doubt.  When the ball doesn’t go through the net, I feel deflated.  I am reminded today at how basketball will not make me popular if popularity is based on performance.  Even though I have historically felt progressively more insignificant and a little less worthy with each missed shot, my mission today is to challenge that and take the shot anyway.  Intellectually I know that my character is better demonstrated by the reaction to this so-called failure than it is the actual points I tally.  While sinking a shot is the easiest way for me to feel empowered, missing and embracing is more of an opportunity.  For me, the other piece of it is, that I know nearly every time before the ball is released from my hands whether it is going in or not. I can feel whether or not there is a connection. Internally, I feel the anxiety taking place as if I am sending the energy directly to the ball that whispers “don’t go in”.  As the ball receives the message, it obediently complies.  There is a fear of judgment. There is will to hold on to the outcome.  There is a secret committee pressuring me to get it right.  All of that control is being stimulated by a big orange ball!  My level of confidence often determines my level of success.  In other words, when I take the time to put the focus on feeling and trusting the outcome and spend less time in my head, the feeling is always better and the result is most always more pleasing.  By the end of our time, though my face might have shown that I had fun, my ego has had enough.  I was able to progress, however slowly, toward acceptance. To take a few shots with a freer disposition.  I was able to begin to let go of the outcome.  It’s really amazing what happens when I am able to do that.  “She shoots!”  And with that knowing.  “She scores!!”