Using a Cold Pile of Snow to Feel

It’s just taken over me.  An intense shot of adrenaline stepped into my wake and created waves of my emotions.  They are screaming “pay attention, don’t you see you’re avoiding me?”  It is the voice of my almost-adult challenging my troubled child to to face the unpleasant feelings. (Okay, maybe it’s more like anxiety or fear though adrenaline sounds so much better.)  I have been pushing it away hoping that it will dissipate.  At this point, I know better.  Submerging it does not work anymore, so up it came.  A reminder that my familiar has been replaced with different and there is still hard stuff to do.  Glennon Doyle Melton says in her Ted Talk* that the only difference between what I interpret as healthy and unhealthy is actually feeling and sharing uncomfortable feelings and letting them be seen instead of numbing them.  Letting them be guides.  When I reflect, as I sit here with my butt in a cold pile of snow (literally, I’m outside in Vermont in December sitting in a cold pile of snow) I don’t believe there is another choice. Instinctually, as I began to regurgitate my pain, I sat on a frozen mound and that helped to coerce and confront my feelings.  Sometimes, like a cutter, I need the physical reminder (today it’s the sting of the cold) that I can feel; that I am alive.  Slowly as I allow my eyes to well, I am beginning to detect the knot that has formed in my gut loosen and wonder why it took me so long to give in to the familiar red flags.  I resign and accept the time it has taken.  I can’t redo this process though I can use the awareness to guide me around the next bend.  I also find comfort in knowing that I am becoming better at unraveling before I reach my boiling point.  Practice, Practice, Practice.

Thank You, Glennon, for the Courage to Share and Inspire!!