Beyond My Comfort Zone
It’s amazing what happens to my body and mind when I wade through the waves of something I am uncomfortable doing. I am self-trained at avoiding conflict at all costs. Putting up my hands to defend myself when I could just suck up the punches is a foreign arena. It numbs me and distorts my thinking and sends waves of funky adrenaline through my insides. This time my discomfort results from taking my former husband to court to settle a financial matter that we just haven’t been able to resolve on our own. Taking him to court is something that I really don’t want to do. It’s also something I know I have to do. It is a verse in my “Fight Song”. It’s not that I need a court ruling in my favor to recoup what I believe is financially owed to me to take back my life. I really have taken back most of my life already. This is just another opportunity to step one rung up on the ladder of courage. It is an option to reinforce myself that I am not a doormat for people to wipe their feet all over. I need to believe that my voice matters, regardless of who agrees or disagrees with it. It has also given me the chance to rearrange my perspective and see the process, not as a vendetta, rather a vessel for simply settling a dispute. I do not have to buy in to the ugliness because others have. I do not have to suscept myself to “lemming-ism”. I am free to conduct this process with conviction and love. I considered adding this disagreement to yet another in my profile of “sucking it up”. My inner voice is speaking louder these days, however, and I am more compelled to listen. So I’m taking the step. I’m adamant about it too. Through a fogged brain and heavy heart I am trudging the course. I’ve stayed on my mat and watched and cowered as people have dared to intrude upon it. Today I am rolling up my mat and taking it with me to find a better view. One where muddy shoes and heavy imprints will no longer be permitted. It’s taking some time to clean it up. I am worthy of the time. I know that messy cleans up really nicely with a little elbow grease and sometimes that’s what it takes for beautiful to happen. For today, I am willing to endure the discomfort and embrace the uncertainty with openness. The outcome of this case is not conducive upon the ruling of the court judge. The result is more relevant to the fact that I am proceeding with love and trusting the process to what I believe is honest and true. It’s about my small and shaky voice taking a stand. Adhering to the guidance being offered even though that voice sometimes feels awkward and uncomfortable. Stepping away from my comfort zone is always a learning and healing experience for me. It’s when and where positive growth takes place.
P.S. I am happy to conclude that in the end, my ex and I amicably (with effort and only after being deferred by the judge for the 2nd time) were able to resolve financial matters peacefully and on our own.