Rainbows and Seasons
There were some sad spots in my day today. I was missing My mom quite a bit and wanted to call her. For the first time in 20 months it sunk in that this would never be a possibility again. Denial? Time? I then thought about calling 2 or 3 other people who I used to turn to that I could no longer call due to change; and growth. I’m okay with this sadness. It feels like a necessary part of my healing. I am reflecting on all of it in my head and my heart while I am hesitantly tearing down Caleb’s wallpaper border. I’m reluctant because I know he is a boy now and wanting an older boy theme in his room. My baby is changing and I am challenged to let his baby image go. Those younger-year memories and the fact that this happened to be my favorite wallpaper border EVER sent me on a reflection tangent! The border told of the progression of the seasons by using animals at play to portray the chronology of winter, spring, summer and fall. Fox throwing snowballs. Porcupines catching butterflies. Bears fishing. Cats dancing the maypole. It dawned on me as I was tearing down and piling the paper shreds on top of each other. There, right there, piled in a heap on the floor was a reflection of the seasons of my own life. Can I handle the seasons of my life? (Oh, oh. I don’t know.)
-Almost ready for new paint.
P.S. I turned back to take one last look before discarding and there it was right in the middle of it all. The image that has been the latest indicator that my mother is present. Do you see it? It’s a rainbow!
P.S.S. It is days later and I find myself rummaging through the garbage. I want to save a few pieces of this paper. I cannot completely let it go. The new paint looks amazing. My boy is proud and I am filled with joy that he likes his new space. He is now embraced in a surrounding that more accurately defines who he is becoming and not who he was. I am embracing who he is becoming and holding on to the memory of what was.