“Enlightenment is Imminent” (In the Spirit of the Hawk)
I get to feel out loud when I write. It qualifies what is inside and makes it more real. Accountable, vulnerable, exposed and real. Why not? If judgments are coming my way they are coming whether I expose my humanness or not. They are coming whether they are accurately evaluated; or not. Putting myself out there is a shame magnet. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s a shame dissolution. I’m taking the chance that it is the latter. There is a truth that I believe about me (and it is true of everyone) that doesn’t often sync with what others define as such. Some interpretations will overlap mine in some form and who I really am will always look differently to me than it does to each person that I have established a relationship with. This is part of the beauty and part of the uncertainty. There is an absolute that I know, however. I want to free my soul. I am intent on moving to a more connected place along this journey. The Universe has become my replacement of sorts for succumbing to social pressure. It’s a lot bigger and makes a lot more sense. Choosing the Universe is not always easier though. Sometimes it’s power tumbles me in the waves when I just want to rest on the shore. The challenge presents an opportunity for growth and healing. The undertow can be strong and sometimes the waves come one after the other. Catching my breath right away can feel unobtainable. Sometimes it takes a while before I am able to master the action of breathing without inhaling a mouthful of salt water. I am alive though. Sand-rashed, light headed and alive. The universe has shaken things up a bit. Given me something to think about. Or maybe it’s just tossed me around enough so I am able to look at it from a different perspective. The pieces are all still there. The puzzle looks different somehow. Hawks appear where seagulls once were. I am intrigued by the journey that I am more accepting of now. My pain seems less damaging and more likely to serve as a guide. What I thought I needed; who I thought I needed; I no longer need. My desire still taunts. I am working at letting it go and letting the Universe take the helm. I will take responsibility for my part… Not the whole thing, simply, my part.