A Heavy and Knowing Heart

The silence is screaming in my head. My deeper truth knows it’s okay. My presentable self is deciding whether or not I am being honest. I wonder if I am really accepting the approaching marriage of my ex-husband, tomorrow,  to another woman or whether I am suppressing emotions that I am afraid will surface. I’m surprised that all of my years of practicing vulnerability and telling myself it’s okay to be seen has not alleviated me of the contemplation. My flags are signaling and I resort to find comfort in old behaviors.

Before my ex-husband drove away with my (our) children today to begin the festivities that will welcome in his new union, I gave him the most meaningful hug I have in years, sincerely congratulated him, and returned to my kitchen where I literally cleaned and cleared away my tears. Washing the dishes. Vacuuming the floor. Spraying the counters. Putting things in order.

Later in the day I noticed that I do not feel unpleasant emotions while I am eating, an act that has always guaranteed a place of comfort.

These distractions feel safe to me. Well known and familiar. I am protecting myself from the possibility of discovering something painful. I have learned that difficult emotions often breed growth. Yet, I remain skeptical. As my day comes to a close: a day loaded with the distraction of work and laughter and momentary escapes to play Words with Friends, I decide it’s okay to have mixed feelings about the marriage that I am excluded from that will take place tomorrow afternoon. I am safe. I have amazing and unwavering support. I have so much love. I am blessed. I am joyful. I am sad. All of it is okay. I will continue to laugh and to clean and put order in to the part of my life that can be controlled. And to eat and cry and blossom. I will look in my mirror and wonder. Then; connect with my soul and know. It is with a heavy heart that I genuinely wish the father of my beautiful children, the man I once believed I would be married to until death, all the best. A heavy and knowing heart.

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