Leaping and Feeling the Pain
As I drive up to mom,s condo I sense the denial of what inevitably is to come and tears simply start to flow. As it has been, I make my way through the front door and feel numb. I want to numb more. I collapse on the bathroom floor, a grown woman feeling like a child. I just want my mommy. It’s exactly 3 months to the day that she passed on. I don’t want to feel the pain though a bigger force is letting me know that I have to. The idea of turning it off causes an internal conflict. On the one side, my desperation pulls toward what I disillusion myself into thinking is a safer place; one that is intent on driving my mind and my heart away from this emotion in any way possible: cleaning, stuffing, intoxicating. On the other side of the rope my truth is pulling me in to a place of acceptance… a greater force. I don’t want to go. I know I am meant to. I’ve become awake enough to realize that the dragons I imagine waiting for me off the cliff when I jump are much bigger in my mind than in reality. The way I am feeling, though under very different conditions, is similar to how I felt when I jumped from the top of Hunter Mountain attached to a zip-line last Saturday. I follow that train of thought. My fear was taunting me to stay back. My instinct and my truth were urging me to jump. I went for it, closing my eyes for a moment and then willing them to peak. Flying through the air I felt completely free and exhilarated trumping the fear. “Trump the fear. Displace the fear.” I ponder this. I could learn from what is being offered. If my obvious terror at facing my pain will allow for similar outcomes of freedom and truth, then perhaps I should trust the process and take that leap of faith more often. I am grateful for the reminders.
Me and Tariana Ziplining for her Birthday
The healthier voices of my present are slowly taking the place of the unhealthy voices from my past. I try and recall the first time courage trumped fear on my journey and several dates and milestones enter my mind. It is a culmination of leaps that bring us to our present. Perhaps the initial leap begins at birth. It is when life as we know it begins that the external stimuli begin to distract us from our holiest connection. Returning to that place of innocence and reconnecting with the internal truth is what grants us the opportunity to to feel whole again. “The process of life.” To embrace it is probably the best course of all. So for now, I can do my best to loosen my grip. To lessen the resistance I feel when my will wants nothing but out. I’ll try to make nice with the greater force that is so much more powerful when I allow the knowing to take place. Allowing it is what brings me closer to being one with Source. It is not possible for me to connect when I am pulling against or when my magnet is flipped. I remind myself again that the way to heal is to listen and trust and travel through what may not be comfortable. That is the only way to the light.
“It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.”
-D. DiGuardia